17 Days post-surgery

It has been 17 days since I've had my reconstructive bowel surgery.  My incisions are healing nicely and they're not nearly as painful as they were.  I have a lumpy stomach.  I'm going to have to get used to this, because apparently when your abdominal muscles are cut through, they never really go back to being normal.  Now I never had washboard abs, but at least they were all one level.  As the swelling starts to subside, the dips in my stomach are more noticeable and are causing my ostomy bag some major issues.  It can't sit flush against my skin so the bag keeps leaking over the past 24 hour period.  Now this is the first time that I'm publicly talking about this, but maybe it will help me cope with the emotional trauma I'm going through having this temporary nightmare.

My best friend Katy showed up to bring me out to lunch since I am stir-crazy and am feeling a little sad about my whole situation.  We went to the Apollo Diner, which is only 1/2 a mile from our house.  Twenty minutes into being there, by bag started leaking and we had to leave.  No one saw what happened because we were at a booth and I covered up with a mound of napkins, but that could have potentially been extremely embarrassing if anyone saw or if we weren't so close to our house.  I spent the day going through bag after bag, ripping my already sensitive skin to shreds.  My lumpy stomach is to blame.  The bag can't seal to my skin correctly because my belly button area looks like a mountain range.  Now I get to play the game of trying different products, and waiting and seeing if I happen to leak all over the place.  This is not helping my already fragile emotional state on this matter.

I am so embarrassed to have this device attached to me for the whole summer.  I'm having an extremely hard time with it and I cry every day, sometimes multiple times a day because of it.  Now I've taken a step back with this not knowing if I'm going to spring a leak at any moment.  How am I going to survive 3 months with it if I haven't even made it 3 weeks yet?  I know it's only permanent for now, so I should count my lucky stars, and I need to remember that this device basically saved my life.  I should be happy that sometime soon I could be a normal healthy person.  My insides went through a war and need time to heal.  This is what's going to help them heal, but it's at my self-esteem's expense.

I am tired, weak, and I get out of breath just walking to the bathroom.  Not only am I having a hard time with the ostomy bag, but I'm having a hard time with a lot of other things as well.  I've mentioned them before, but my guilt and sadness aren't going away.  I can't be in my house by myself without someone else here.  Someone needs to be here to help with Emma, well actually care for Emma since I can't hold her for a long period of time or carry her very far.  I feel like I'm failing as a mother because I can't do the one thing I'm supposed to be able to do: to care for my child.  I then start thinking about how I'm a huge burden on everyone around me because they have to care for my child and help me do things (like get the drink from across the room or plug in my computer because I can't get up as much as I need to).  I hate that I have to rely on others just to make it through the day.  I was hoping to be much more independent with myself and Emma at this point.

I feel like I'm leaving Dan as a single parent, even though I'm sitting next to him.  He has to feed her, change her, cuddle her, and soothe her as I sit and watch helplessly not being able to offer a hand.  I can hold her if she's starting to fall asleep, but when she's awake she's too active and she hurts my stomach.

I'm also having a hard time knowing that Emma is the only baby that I will have.  Apparently my body hates when I'm pregnant, so I can't have any more children.  No one can guarantee that everything will be fine, so I can't risk having this happen again.  Our family has been so great, but I can't put them through this again and I can't put myself through this again.  We can always adopt, but I don't like that Dan and I didn't really get to make that choice for ourselves.  This is devastating, but I can't be a mom if I'm not alive, or if I'm extremely sick.

I'm not really sleeping, in part because I'm constantly thinking about all of these things (and Dan is snoring up a storm), so exhaustion is causing me to be even more emotional.  I can't get out and exercise-I can barely walk around the condo complex here without wanting to sleep for 10 hours after.  So, I'm going to write every once-in-a-while on my blog.  I don't know if anyone will read it, but somehow putting my thoughts into typed words, instead of crying and telling Dan the same thing every night, will hopefully make me feel a little better.

This week we have been showered with food from all sorts of people, including colleagues from my school.  We are so grateful for this and appreciate each and every one of you who have helped us out in some way.  I don't even know how to show my gratitude except to say a big THANK YOU!!!!!!!